Prompt #11

11. What do you feel like before, during, and/or after you masturbate?

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I always feel tense and anxious beforehand. My chest tightens, blood rushes through my body, and I can't think about anything else besides what I'm about to do. I usually try not to spend too much time in this state before I begin.

There are few feelings that I can relate to first touching myself. Physically it feels great, but that feeling can be reproduced by someone else. Psychologically, the feeling is completely unique. Only I know myself well enough to know just how to work myself the right way. While I'm in the act, I'm completely focused on it.

I feel like all the tension that has been built up in my body is completely erased when I finish. I'm tired but I'm completely awake at the same time. When I have the time, I usually just lay there afterwards and take deep breaths, trying to bring my body back down to its normal state again.

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Before I being to masturbate I am really excited. I know that sounds dumb but sometimes when I had a bad day going home and jacking off is the only perk I can think of. It's the one time where I can think of myself and everything else just goes away. I feel like the sexiest person alive.

During it I feel (sounds cheesy but whatever) infinite. I feel that even though maybe two hours goes by (on a good day) the feeling has lasted a lifetime. Each time is better than the time before. I've looked up different ways of doing it to get different sensations. There is this whole 'stop and go' thing that seems popular where you get to the edge and stop. Let it die down then start up again. It's supposed to make your orgasm in the end really intense and really rewarding. I can never do it though. For some reason each time I masturbate I feel as if this is my last time and there should be no risks.

When it builds up to the point there is this rush where nothing else matters. There is this feeling that I'm the only person in the entire world. Not only am I the only person... but I'm a deity. A god. I'm have to be if I can make myself feel this good about myself. Again... I feel like I'm the sexiest person in the entire world. I feel like I have total control over myself.

Once it's done... there is a sense of shame. I don't know where it comes from but there is a feeling 'get cleaned up and pretend it never happened'. I'm sure it was something that was built into me when I was growing up and the age old tale that masturbation is bad. And I know it's not. But when I'm done... I feel selfish.

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There is a great quote from a movie where a man asks a woman to describe her last orgasm. The conversation goes as follows:

"Describe your last orgasm."

"It was great. It was like time had stopped and I was completely alone."

"Did you cry afterwards?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because time hadn't stopped. And I wasn't alone."

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It's kind of strange. I never really have the urge to masturbate. I never think, "Hey, you know what I really feel like doing right now?!" I think it's more ritualized and out of habit. I always do it right before bed like a really deviant prayer and I don't fantasize. I don't know if that's strange or not. I don't typically go around reading accounts in masturbation journals. But I feel like it's strange. There's no fantasy ending. No perfect thrust from a sexy him or her. It's just me and what I want and what I have to have. I love the perfect self-fulfillment. I almost think the moments of suspense, the build up to the climax is the most beautiful. It's all chilling and shivering and shortness of breath and anticipation capped off by a silent scream that's deafening in my own head.

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I have never been able to orgasm from masturbation, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

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When I masturbate, I usually get really horny first, but sometimes I do it because I'm bored or depressed, and those times are the worst. 

In the middle of masturbating, no matter what got me started, the rest of the world seems to disappear. I'm all alone, just me, my hand, and my dick. Sometimes I watch porn, sometimes I watch my self in a mirror, sometimes I fantasize, sometimes I just clear my mind and try to really feel everything that's happening. After I cum, I very often get very depressed. I realize that this is all I have right now. Myself, my hand. The only love I can get is manufactured by me alone. Alone. My emotions and feelings are very much tied to my sexual energy, and when I have my release, and no one is there with me, for me to curl up with and snuggle with, there's a feeling of isolation worse than most any other time. I don't feel any guilt though. But I'm left drained of energy and flooded with emotion. Sometimes it is a great experience though!