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One thing I do not want you to know about me is that I am angry. I'm angry about the cards that life has dealt me, and I'm angry that I can't rely on people that are very close to me because they are constantly letting me down. I try not to think about it, but sometimes that anger gets the best of me and causes me to become very unhappy with myself.
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For most of my life too much of my emotional stability has depended on what I think about my weight . I work out every day without fail. I am usually up before classes at 5:30 to go work out, regardless of when I went to sleep. If I don't work out I feel I can't justify eating. I know every calorie I put in my mouth and how much I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight. It is so exhausting to work so hard and still feel disgusting. When I was at my lowest point my Freshman year I made myself throw up. I only tried it once and it didn't make me feel any better so I never did it again. Some days are good days and I feel at peace with my body, but one bad day seems to derail me no matter how many good days came before it.
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For most of my life too much of my emotional stability has depended on what I think about my weight . I work out every day without fail. I am usually up before classes at 5:30 to go work out, regardless of when I went to sleep. If I don't work out I feel I can't justify eating. I know every calorie I put in my mouth and how much I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight. It is so exhausting to work so hard and still feel disgusting. When I was at my lowest point my Freshman year I made myself throw up. I only tried it once and it didn't make me feel any better so I never did it again. Some days are good days and I feel at peace with my body, but one bad day seems to derail me no matter how many good days came before it.
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One thing I do not want you to know about me is that I'm unbalanced. I crave love and attention and an outlet for my own as well. When I find a prospect, I acting rashly, seizing the opportunity because I never know how long it'll last. This is something I'm trying to improve on because every time I lose control, I feel humiliated, worthless, worse than I did before whatever little I gained from the experience. I don't want you to know this because it is my weakness. I don't want you to know this because I cannot control it, and the idea that I cannot control myself scares me; it scares me because I am the only thing I can truly control in this world, and when I cannot even control myself...it's the most helpless feeling in the world.
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