Prompt #19

19. What was puberty like?

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For me, puberty was kinda no big thing. I'd known about sex and how babies are made for a while, so the fourth grade video that everybody freaked out about wasn't anything new. Actually, I don't even remember it, I just assume I saw it. As far as everything else, it was kind of a good thing. I never had major problems with my voice cracking, in fact, it was rare for that to happen. My growth spurts helped me even out because I have had the same waist size since like sixth or seventh grade haha! But I grew up and the chubby middle schooler turned into a regular guy. I never had a wet dream, which must've freaked a lot of guys out, probably because I took care of any build up myself (if you know what I mean! ha!) Overall, my problems didn't really start till after puberty. If anything, it went TOO well because I feel like (I'm not trying to brag, this is just something I've noticed) I matured much faster than my peers; all through high school I related better to the adults than to other students, and although I was pretty much known throughout the school, when it came to weekends and stuff, I spent a lot of time with myself. So all in all, I don't necessarily remember exactly what puberty was like because, for me, it was pretty seamless.
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Honestly, I don't remember it being incredibly traumatic. I was a tomboy in the extreme. I did all the things that little boys did-- like play sports and act up in school and get into scuffles. It really wasn't until about 10th grade that I realized the power of my femininity.

Prompt #18

18. Which character do you sympathize with the most in Spring's Awakening? Why?

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Prompt #17

17. Was there ever a moment in your life when you thought things would just be better if you never existed?

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90% of last semester.
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The whole first semester of my Freshman year of college, I would think about suicide maybe 4 or 5 times a week. Sometimes I still have to try to squelch those thoughts.
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Ages 14-16 were really hard years for me. I remember crying almost every day and thinking how much more peaceful it would be to disappear. My parents one asked me if I ever thought about taking action towards killing myself and I realized that I didn't particularly want to die, it was more that I wanted to be in darkness and sleep for a long time.

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It's funny. When I look back on the years I was going through puberty... I can barely remember them. But going through them seemed like it was an eternity. I look back and think 'oh, that was lame. Yeah it sucked but it wasn't that bad.' But I remember when I was going through it I jsut wanted to die. I hated what was going on. It was also because I wasn't very educated on that kind of stuff growing up either.

Prompt #16

16. Take time and read everyone's responses in the blog. You'll be surprised how many you missed if you don't review them on a daily basis. Many actors go back and add things for the first time on prompts that were established a while ago. Once you have done that. Pick a sentence, or a couple even, that really speaks to you and post it here.

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-I'm afraid that if I was to start being honest with myself I would have no clue where to start.

- my first encounter with love was one filled more with pain... I only hope my experiences thus far in my life have not scarred me for my future.

- I will never forget the feelings I had for that boy, and how those feelings ended. 

-..help me feel like the person I know I am underneath whoever's life I'm living right now.

-I came the first time I had sex...I was ready and happy and proud.

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(In response to prompt 1) "It was when I was forgiven."

"If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts."

"The way to be happy is to make others so."

"...outside lubrication was necessary. The first thing my broyfriends eye landed on was L'Oreal No-Tears grape scented shampoo........(I wish I was kidding)......."

"One thing I want you to know about me is I am terrified. I am terrified that my love for the theatre surpasses my talent for it."

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Prompt #15

15. Finish this sentence: "One thing I do not want you to know about me is _________________."

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One thing I do not want you to know about me is that I am angry. I'm angry about the cards that life has dealt me, and I'm angry that I can't rely on people that are very close to me because they are constantly letting me down. I try not to think about it, but sometimes that anger gets the best of me and causes me to become very unhappy with myself.

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For most of my life too much of my emotional stability has depended on what I think about my weight . I work out every day without fail. I am usually up before classes at 5:30 to go work out, regardless of when I went to sleep. If I don't work out I feel I can't justify eating. I know every calorie I put in my mouth and how much I can allow myself to eat without gaining weight. It is so exhausting to work so hard and still feel disgusting. When I was at my lowest point my Freshman year I made myself throw up. I only tried it once and it didn't make me feel any better so I never did it again. Some days are good days and I feel at peace with my body, but one bad day seems to derail me no matter how many good days came before it.

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One thing I do not want you to know about me is that I'm unbalanced. I crave love and attention and an outlet for my own as well. When I find a prospect, I acting rashly, seizing the opportunity because I never know how long it'll last. This is something I'm trying to improve on because every time I lose control, I feel humiliated, worthless, worse than I did before whatever little I gained from the experience. I don't want you to know this because it is my weakness. I don't want you to know this because I cannot control it, and the idea that I cannot control myself scares me; it scares me because I am the only thing I can truly control in this world, and when I cannot even control myself...it's the most helpless feeling in the world.

Prompt #14

14. Make at least two New Years Resolution. As a good rule of thumb, you should have a pro-active one as well as a 'retro-grade' one. Such as having one that you are going to 'start doing', and having one that you will 'stop doing'.

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I will quite eating fast food.

I will stop smoking (once I'm done with this pack and is void when I'm drunk ha)

I will memorize a monologue a month

I will write three plays that I'm proud of.

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I will become a better guitar player.

I will write more songs.

I will stop being so damn cynical and start enjoying life more.

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I will improve my physical appearance (cliche, right?)

I will beat my depression (2009 cannot be worse than 2008, but this is such a hard goal...)

I will stop second guessing what other people think of me
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I will be more flexible
I will work towards accepting my body for what it is and stop trying to change it to fit an unrealistic image (I say work towards because this is something I have been working towards for a long time)
I will read more plays.

Prompt #13

13. Finish this sentence: "One thing I want you to know about me is _______________."

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One thing I want you all to know about me is that I am not happy. I don't have the support system at IU that I need right now in my life. I haven't made the friends I thought I would, and I haven't felt like I fit in since I got here. This show means more to me than just a fun acting opportunity. I am probably putting too much pressure on everyone involved, but I need this show to help me feel like the person I know I am underneath whoever's life I'm living right now. I haven't been me since I came to IU, and I know it's too much weight for eleven people, but I can't help it: this show needs to help me. I want to be able to love all of you. And I know we will put on a kick ass show. Even after one rehearsal, I can tell this show will be awesome. That's what I want you to know about me.

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One thing I want you to know about me is I am terrified. I am terrified that my love for the theatre surpasses my talent for it.

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